Saturday, September 16, 2006

How to Play Mind Games

I hate mind games, to be honest. The game doesn't have any specific sets of rules and yet it's inevitable. Everybody does it whether consciously or subconsciously.

People don't just play mind games on other people. They play it to themselves as a measure of self-defence from getting hurt. Sometimes, I wish everybody can just be honest to themselves and everyone around them. Sometimes I wish I can do the same but being honest just doesn't always work.

For several months now I've been spending too much time on unnecessary things. Beebs said it right, time wasted on unnecessary things. The most important thing is still my studies, my personal development and skills. Was getting a girlfriend so important? Was finding the one love mattered so much? Really… it isn't.

I've always told myself that in a relationship, no matter what happened, one shouldn't change yourself for whatever reason. No matter what is your partner's wants and needs are, you are still you and your own personal development is still the most important thing. Funny thing is, no matter how many times I've told others this. I still failed to realise this most of the time. Why should I change for that certain someone? There's no reason really. Having to please them, by compromising just isn't the way.

However bad the situation is right now, my bike got stolen, my laptop got stolen, my friends ignoring me, betrayed and backstabbed, aren't as bad as not finishing my work on time. Not making it to exams just isn't right.

I guess I've really been mixing with the wrong people. I thought I was just trying to stay happy but truth is, I've been running away from the truth. I've run so far that sometimes I actually forgotten the real reason and the true motivation I've given myself.

I'm going to take this exam today. I'm going to get through this mess and whatever the outcome is… however bad it is… I'll go through it. If I failed, I failed… By the time, we'll have to see what happens. It's too late to think of consequences right now.

Sometime I really do think too much, of unnecessary things. Sometimes, if these thoughts can be channelled to something productive, it'd be great. The whole situation with Anna is really disappointing, the more I think about it, the sadder I get. Trying to run away from the situation helps in the short term but it'll always come back to haunt me. Trying to put the blame somewhere else doesn't last long because I'd always tend to change my mind.

There's a whole lot of misunderstanding going between me and Anna, mostly on her side and I still fail to see what's going wrong. Whatever is it, I know I didn't do anything very wrong or guilty to come to this point. It's still her own problem that's causing her to be what she is and how she behaves.

Whenever I fall in love, I become clingy. Like a girl. I turn into this attention whore, who gets jealous at small things. It's not that I want to, in fact I'm well aware of it but the problem isn't just a matter of being aware and preventing yourself from doing it, it's the feelings. The unnecessary feeling of jealousy, and unable to control oneself from doing it is what holding me back.

Now, I seem to understand when people say that they can't help it. They can't help not do certain things etc… It's the stupid human emotions. They say, their body moved on their own. Their mouth blurts something out. Their subconscious reaction towards doing something against their will. That's what's most annoying.

Have you ever have this strong feelings, totally against your will, your body did something that you really don't want to. This is called discipline. Whether or not you have discipline really depends on this thing.

This seems to be some sort of psychological problem. Schizophrenia or hallucinations are just extreme cases, those are situations where you can't control your own brain.

I hate talking about discipline, because I don't have any. Everything I do, it's always about motivation or feelings. I do it because of something. No discipline.

Movie inspires people. It makes people wants to do things with a heart. But it also introduces the downfall of discipline.

I have to change the way I operate. I have to start using discipline as my main engine to drive me. However, being with other people, I have to put it down. Less serious.

The problem with real life situations, there isn't a one method solution for everything. One must be able to adapt to everything using different methods and approach. It's not something that one can push a trigger button and follows some procedure and things will get done. Nothing work the same the second time you try it. Maybe this is why one must play chess. Having new approaches and new strategy always make the enemy go crazy. I should play more chess… It helps strengthen the mind and make it more flexible.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is so true..as I'm reading I'm realizin that its talking about me..im exactly like that. Whenver im alone my brain starts to send me painful memories and i just feel down and blame myself for being so stupid and ignorant...As much as i try to ignore these memories the harder they bang on my door waittin to explode in my face...

Hamy